2008 – Figuring Things Out

January was a trying time for me particularly in terms of my role at Tee Jay High School. I found the level of organization and unity amongst the staff, student body, and parents to be sorely lacking. At least I was learning what kind of work environment I did not want in my future. It was a lesson in contrast. Yet, despite the hectic and unpredictable environment, I still felt I had to carry through with the job that I signed up for at least until the end of the term.

Tee Jay High was looking for something to be proud of and one of the things that seemed to be coming together of its own accord was a drum line. While not directly involved, I was often present for moral support and occasional input. For the drum line’s trip to Chicago (to participate in a drum line competition) I was asked to support as an additional adult chaperone on a trip with about 15 students. However once on the bus, there was only one other adult besides me, and he was not asserting himself as the main authority. Am I the main authority now? Interesting, yikes!

We left Brooklyn on the morning of Friday January 18^th, and checked into a warm Best Western hotel in freezing Chicago around midnight. I was uncomfortable with leaving the kids to their own devices in their rooms overnight, but I was dog-tired and had not been prepped for this situation in the slightest. I said some sincere prayers and went to bed. I had to sleep.

After breakfast, we headed to the venue and prepared for our performance between checking out what the other drum lines were doing. There was some excellent competition. Our routines were raw, lively, and energetic. We did not win, though it felt like we succeeded simply by making it all the way out to Chicago to participate. Principal Alcazar had flown in for the event and came to greet us, showing no particular encouragement nor appreciation to me for the crazy position I had found myself in unasked for. And then she flew back to Brooklyn leaving us to fend for ourselves.

I woke the next day, prayed, and went to breakfast. There was no clear plan. There was confusion as we tried to pack up, collect keys and check out. The day’s schedule seemed semi-dependent on the students’ ever-changing moods. I was in no position to assert authority. Their group energy easily overwhelmed me, and I did not have a clear plan myself as I thought I was just coming along as a supporting chaperone! It became known to me that students were running out of pocket money if they had brought any at all. Then there was the drama of stolen money. Umm, what the hell am I supposed to do?? Somehow, we went bowling and returned to wait at the hotel. Chaos erupted and threats to kick us out came from the hotel staff. Finally, our bus showed up and we went to MacArthur’s “Fine Southern Cuisine” for dinner. We got on the road for home at about 8:45pm. The bus started smoking and leaking badly. We pulled off the highway into a McDonald’s parking lot. It was freezing! Fortunately, McDonald’s manager Martin allowed us to sit inside while we waited for road service. Drum line leader Malcolm had a panic attack. Manager Martin called 911 (it happened to be Martin Luther King Jr. Day). While grabbing his cold hands, I gave Malcolm a pep talk. 

“Come on Malcolm, breathe slowly. Everything’s fine. Just focus on taking deeper breaths.”

He began to feel better. The two of us rode in a cop car to Trinity Hospital. There I handled his paperwork and formalities. We didn’t even see a doctor, but our time alone was helpful. He relaxed and opened up a bit and I could offer some older-brother-type encouragement. We all found our way back to the same Best Western hotel, that wanted to kick us out earlier, to spend one more night. 

We left on a different bus around noon the next day. It was a long and strange trip, with lots to reflect on. I was not a happy camper feeling unsupported by the school as I did. I could not be mad at the kids, the bus driver, or the annoyed hotel personnel. But Principal Alcazar had dropped in my esteem. From the bus, we updated parents who were more relieved than angry when we finally arrived safely back in front of Tee Jay High after 1:00 am, a day and half later than scheduled.

A few days afterwards while at school, I noticed the headlines of a newspaper lying about. The famous and talented young actor Heath Ledger had suddenly passed away at 28, just a little older than me. He was one of the few current actors that I really appreciated and paid any attention to. It was a disappointing surprise.

My daily life was up and down. I sorely wished to embody peace of mind and inner calm. In this pursuit I began to attend evening classes at The School of Practical Philosophy on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. This was purely for self-enrichment in the hopes of deepening my understanding of the world and my place in it. Attending these classes brought great solace and comfort to me especially as they were available to me in evenings which I could attend after work at Tee Jay High ended. Rather than going home and back to my creature comforts and temptations, I would travel, read, unwind, and then open my mind to higher wisdom in a delightfully mindful atmosphere.

I wanted to move into realms of higher consciousness, yet it was difficult to find the discipline or clarity of mind to develop it. There seemed to be distractive forces at play all the time. At the School of Practical Philosophy, we learned a super short meditation technique called “The Pause”, a brief way of drawing attention to the five senses to bring us into the present moment. The Pause offered a brief window, for just a few breaths, to come back to the Now. It was accessible and it worked. Felicia attended a School of Practical Philosophy class with me as a guest[1]. It was not for her, but I appreciated her open-mindedness.

My pal Thurman Scutto continued to expose me to newer unfamiliar music. This included The Raconteurs, Seether, The White Stripes, Puddle of Mudd, Wolfmother, and new Foo Fighters material. He showed me artists such as Amy Winehouse, John Legend, and Muse. I appreciated being brought up to date. Overall, the impression I was left with was that I was quite glad I had quit trying to make it as an artist in the music business machine. 

Although I was actively seeking spiritual nourishment in new directions, I was still involved with St. Paul’s Evangelical Lutheran Church of Coney Island. I truly valued the sense of community and extended family that I experienced there. Yet, I did not feel deeply convinced that I was destined to remain a Christian. Catholicism had left me uninspired some years prior and Lutheranism, as it was presented to me, did not seem all-embracing enough for my tastes. I knew I had so much youthful potential, and I also recognized my love for adventure, pleasure, and open-minded curiosity. But up to that point I did not feel any religious organization was willing to accept me unconditionally.

For a few years now I was contributing to St. Paul’s via my musical talent. I would often play guitar alongside the resident organ player Dez. We enjoyed making music together. He belonged to another church of a different denomination, and this was one of his paid gigs. I would come and support for fun. After all if was going to attend church, I might as well play guitar rather than just sit in a pew passively.

Sometimes my involvement with St. Paul’s church was a point of contention between Felicia and me. While Jewish by birth, she expressed many times that she was not religious. She did believe in some things, however. She loved nature deeply and took every opportunity to go hiking or camping which I truly admired about her. She also seemed to believe that everything happens for a reason. She was not a cold, logic-minded atheist. Yet even though there was a middle ground we could agree on, on some level she just could not comprehend my need for a formal spiritual community or my burning seeking spirit.

My weekly schedule was repetitive yet colorful and varied. I bounced between Tee Jay High in East New York, to The School of Practical Philosophy on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, to Brooklyn Music House (BMH) in Bath Beach, to private lessons at my place in Old Mill Basin and sometimes at student’s homes, to hanging out with Felicia wherever we could meet up. Conveniently she lived in Bensonhurst, within walking distance of BMH, which made it easy to hang out after work. I also managed to find time to hang with friends, and to visit Mom on East 35^th Street, about a 15-minute walk from my basement apartment on East 53^rd Street. I would also walk to Judd Diamond’s place to hang or work on a project. On the evening of Sunday February 3^rd, I was on the way to Judd’s place when I heard mini eruptions all throughout the neighborhood. What the heck?? Apparently, the New York Giants had just won Super Bowl XLII against the New England Patriots. Neither of us cared. We took a walk and drank some beers in The Creek in the chilly weather.

Bob Henson invited me to participate in some performances with his new rock fusion band Giraffe Yogurt. As it was a light commitment and sounded like fun I accepted. Rehearsals with these talented and focused guys was a refresher in why I loved playing rock music in a band setting. Being in a band on the regular however was no longer appealing to me.

Band activities at Tee Jay High were coming along haltingly. There had been one scheduled performance which was cancelled last minute. There was a lot of raw talent and interest in music, but it seemed I could only build castles in the sand. Things came together beautifully one week and the next we had to start nearly from scratch. My own experience as a student in the band program at James Madison High School had been very different. 

In early February I decided to try an experiment: to enter “tyrant mode” as a band teacher. The plan was for me to be tough and treat things as if I was running my own band. I wrote out lead sheets, cranked up the volume and tried to just have fun with it all. It kind of felt like going back to The BASEment days when I was the unofficial stoic band leader of Requiem. Soon I created arrangements for “Iron Man” and “Breaking the Law” including melody lines for any wind players that might show up.

On a personal level, I kept developing myself musically. I practiced piano, I took on a client as a songwriter-for-hire, and I still composed for the joy of it creating scores on the music software program Finale[2]. I also enjoyed making an appearance in a short documentary[3] about blues music made by friend and student Paul W.

Reluctantly, I was getting clearer on the importance of prioritizing a healthy relationship with my body, such as with food, rest, exercise, and minimizing intoxicants. I also made it a point to maintain healthy long-term relationships with important people in my life. Yet, while I recognized the enormous value in human relationships, I was a bit muddled. I would feel pressure and guilt to spend time with people. There was my girlfriend Felicia, my landlady’s grandson Mark Williams (age 9), my elderly friend and supporter Rosemarie, my brother, Mom, and various friends. Somehow, I sensed jealousy existing between some of the close people in my life, which was unsettling. Unbeknownst me, guilt and obligation had long been strong motivating factors in my life for better and worse. The new insights I was gaining through the School of Practical Philosophy course and my own seeking spirit were beginning to show me that I could have much more flexibility in my choices without compromising integrity. I was exploring new ways of being and not sure how to do it. For Felicia, this change in my behavior may have been annoying. Sometimes our phone conversations were reduced to dead air and small sarcastic comments testing each other’s patience.

One day I came across a journal of Dad’s which I had not looked through before, as Mom kept it hidden. She allowed me to read it. It was basically the only pieces of his thought processes that I ever had a chance to read. The notes were from a self-development workshop he had taken in the early 1980s. It was revealing to me, and I wished there was much more, but there were only a few pages. I deepened my resolve to record and tell my own life story in detail for posterity should anyone be interested to know it.

At some point the vice principal at Tee Jay High asked me to write a report as to what had transpired during the Chicago trip regarding the bus breaking down et cetera. I took the chance to retell my side of the story in depth. I included my surprise at being the primary adult in charge, the disorganization, and my disappointment with the lack of support from Principal Alcazar. I was very direct, holding nothing back while trying to remain objective.

Once the vice principal read through it, he came back and said, “Are you sure you want to submit this? Principal Alcazar is not going to like it.” 

I didn’t hesitate, “Yes, that’s the truth. That’s what happened. If she wants to fire me, so be it.”  

I finally got paid in late February for my time on the Chicago trip. The pay was fair enough and gave me no cause to complain further. Unsurprisingly I sensed the principal was avoiding me (and I her). I felt unsupported and alone in my teaching position at Tee Jay High.

March 3^rd was a good example of the variety of experience that was my life. After breakfast, I worked on a new composition. I then walked 30 minutes to James Madison High School to visit friend Jesse Miller and his guitar classes. I performed for his students and offered some teaching support. It was a privilege and contrasted sharply from my experience as a teacher at Tee Jay High, where I headed next. I practiced The Exercise[4] on the way to help make it through a chaotic and stressful afternoon there. With difficulty we rehearsed for our upcoming performance. I then headed to philosophy class in Manhattan. I took the train partway with a cool and rebellious student, Joel[5]. At Atlantic Avenue subway station, I left a donation for a copy of The Bhagavad Gita with three Hare Krishnas offering the books. I stopped for an unnecessary coffee uptown despite being a half-hour late. I felt slightly guilty about it, but after class realized it may be better to simply observe my behavior rather than judge it. 

At Tee Jay High we were gearing up for our band’s premiere performance. Amidst the excitement there was lots of chaos and wild kids disrupting the classroom. To be fair, I did receive the support of Principal Alcazar and Coach Wilson to help clear out the riff raff from the room. In mid-March, the Tee Jay High band, which we had only recently begun taking seriously (corresponding to my switch to “tyrant mode” in February), made our debut performance. We played in the school gymnasium between basketball activities. Basically, we were a hard rocking R&B pop group with some core members as well as revolving participants. That day we were seven students and two teachers.

Amidst the whirlwind and diversity of my life I was at long last writing original singer-songwriter songs again[6]. Yet nowadays it was difficult to write directly about myself. I was inspired to compose songs more so as a spiritually inclined observer. I shared these songs with close people and jammed on some with Judd Diamond. We began talking about a new recording project, which would not only be my third full-length album, but also unlike anything we (or maybe anybody) had done before. I was picturing the album to be like one long track with various songs as events throughout it. Rather than a typical CD in a jewel case, I wanted to put the CD at the back of a long paper booklet which would feature my lyrics, philosophical musings, and some artwork. 

Teaching at BMH was a pleasant alternative to the chaos of Tee Jay High. Lessons were given in a small room usually to one student at a time. I was primarily a guitar teacher but had piano students as well. Saturdays could be long, teaching sometimes eight hours with little break time. Teaching guitar lessons to many beginning guitarists at BMH had gotten me to develop easy and fun material that could be played on a single string. I also wanted to create new riffs that were cool and easy to learn. Along this line I composed two new songs inspired by young friends at BMH: “Anti-Machine” and “Love Dinosaur”.

One day after a refreshing yoga class at the Marine Park Salt Marsh Nature Center with our wonderful teacher Marcy, I found myself chatting with a friendly woman Mary Ann. I shared that I had been exploring various spiritual communities. She mentioned that she was part of a local Buddhist organization that chants the phrase “Nam-myoho-renge-kyo”[7] and that they regularly meet together in people’s homes as well as at a center in the city. I expressed interest and took down some info. On Wednesday March 19^th, Felicia and I attended a Buddhist discussion meeting at a private home in Flatlands, walking distance from my place. We met very warm people and both of us felt it was positive. 

On Sunday March 23^rd, there was a pleasant Easter dinner at Mom’s with several friends and family. The next day, I enjoyed a lazy morning at Mom’s with Felicia, and the family dogs Ben and Zippy. Early in the afternoon, I begrudgingly drove to work at Tee Jay High[8]. It was a chaotic let-down and left me hard-pressed to maintain a positive attitude towards the students when most were not acting in a helpful or constructive way towards the music program. Despite the success of the previous week’s performance, I was clueless as to how to proceed next. What or who should I focus on? Is all this craziness worth it? Maybe. But I do not want to invest all this time and energy into something that is not growing. Time to re-evaluate things? I left bummed and confused. I picked up Felicia and we took a sunset walk along the water by Caesar’s Bay and Shore Parkway. She cheered me up bringing me out of my funk. Afterwards we pigged out on Easter leftovers and cozied up to watch one of my favorite early 90s movies Encino Man.

In early April, I enjoyed a lovely evening at Felicia’s for her birthday. There was family, friends, and Ukrainian foods that I was unaccustomed to. I talked to her mother’s boyfriend, a long-bearded Russian man who played by his own rules. With cigarette in hand, as we hung out in the hallway of the apartment building, he told me about life in communist Russia. It sounded rough. He openly shared his opinion that Felicia was a spoiled brat. I was a little surprised but appreciated his candor. Unsurprisingly, she did not have a high opinion of him. A few days later there was another fun birthday gathering for Felicia’s 21^st at a sushi place in Sheepshead Bay with a group of her Russian-speaking friends. I enjoyed the intercultural nature of our relationship.

Tuesday April 15^th was a gorgeous day. That evening I went to Judd Diamond’s basement apartment on Ryder Street to begin the recording of my next album, Awakenings[9]. In addition to the improvised intro, outro, and transition music, I ran through twelve songs live back-to-back in one long take. When I needed to use the bathroom, we let the recording continue and I handed my nylon string guitar to Judd so that he could improvise something in the in-between space. The next night we recorded percussion for the album using a mix of various untraditional items that would create a percussive effect played primarily with pencils. I played along to the entire sixty-nine-minute guitar track in one take. It was certainly imperfect, but that was part of the vision. On follow up sessions we added various atmospheric sound effects, and a few friends were invited to add a bit of their own flavor. We were creating a listening experience, a sonic journey that could be interesting in part due to its quirkiness. It was a challenging and fun adventure.

On Saturday April 19^th, after a good day of lessons at BMH, I walked to Felicia’s place in Bensonhurst for Passover dinner. There was lots of food. The mood was light, people were having fun, joking, and drinking, I played a few songs for them at Felicia’s grandmother’s request. On the bus ride home, I enjoyed the feeling of anticipating our upcoming trip to Florida trip.

We arrived in Jacksonville, Florida for our seven-day stay on Amelia Island and environs. We were fortunate to be able to stay with very gracious hosts Mr. and Mrs. McCollum, the parents of fellow Brooklyn College guitarist and friend Kane McCollum. We enjoyed great food, drinks, lovely weather, dogs and cats, natural environments, swimming, biking, jamming, and precious alone time. 

We had the amazing opportunity to take a free boat ride to visit and camp on Cumberland Island, an isle with vast maritime forests, beaches, a variety of wildlife, boardwalks, beautiful starry skies, campfires, roasted marshmallows, romance, and mystery. Felicia and I walked amidst the ruins of the old Dungenesse house[10]. While on the island we encountered wild horses, turkeys, armadillos, and deer.

Afterwards, the McCollums generously lent us their open top convertible to drive around in on Amelia Island. I loved the smell of the foliage in the air. We visited shops including the McCollums’ antique and collectibles store. We hung out with Kane for a bit who was also in from Brooklyn visiting his parents. In the car we listened to Kane’s new music and a rough copy of my new album Awakenings. Once back in NYC the beauty of spring was in full blossom. I was inspired and determined to live each day to its fullest. 

It wasn’t long after the first MCU film Iron Man was released that I went with friends to see it at Sheepshead Bay UA Theater. The mix of charismatic Robert Downey Jr., great film effects, and a good story grabbed my heart. And I thought it was cool that an instrumental cover of Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” played over the ending credits.

At the beginning of June, I performed classical guitar music at the wedding of my bosom buddy Jason Hills and his lovely bride Hayley at the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. On June 3^rd Barack Obama became the first African American presidential nomination. Many people’s interests in politics perked up, including myself.

Working as a music teacher at Tee Jay High had proved to be a very challenging yet valuable experience. I felt individually each student I interacted with was a decent human being. However, when in a group setting, groupthink kicked in and the students would often become quite difficult to effectively communicate with. There were many inner-city school dramas that I became aware of. Among these, I learned of two students who had personally witnessed gun-shootings in their own neighborhood. I met an out-of-control talented young guitar player who would be beaten by his father when bad reports came in from school. How could I send home a bad report (even when his behavior was unacceptable) if his Dad was just going to beat him again? I learned of teen pregnancies and youths who did not have a stable home, some commuting back and forth to school from a homeless shelter. One 16-year-old student confided in me that he had no memories before the age of 9. What was he blocking?

Despite the “craziness” of the job, for a time we did form a core group of dedicated musicians who effectively became the school band. And we sounded pretty darn good! During the last few weeks of class, a few of my most dedicated students and I recorded an original album in class at school using Garageband on the computers available in my classroom. Named after the nearest subway line a block away we called ourselves 3Train and titled the album Last Stop.

The end of the school year was quite welcome. Not only did I feel the need for a break, I felt the desire to break ties with Tee Jay High. I was waiting to see if I would be offered a chance to return in September, but secretly hoping I would not be. Summer deepened without receiving any communication from Tee Jay High about my returning. I began creating fresh plans for the upcoming school year. After much consideration and the offer of financial assistance from close family friend Rosemarie Miccolis I began the journey of getting certified as a music teacher so that I could obtain full-time employment in the New York City Department of Education (NYCDOE). I chose a short track option to teaching certification at Brooklyn College called the Advanced Certificate program.

We had one of our 4^th of July barbecue shindigs at Mom’s: friends, fun, food, and drinks. Later in the month, I went with a group of friends to see the new Batman movie, The Dark Knight. I didn’t believe someone could possibly play a more sinister Joker than Jack Nicholson, but I was pleasantly surprised (and disturbed) by Heath Ledger’s incredible performance. It was scary how good it was and made me wonder if the darkness of the role contributed to his early demise.

Thanks to a recommendation from my guitar teacher buddy Jesse Miller, I spent a fantastic summery week teaching guitar and coaching rock bands at Camp Ballibay for the Arts in Pennsylvania. And then in early August, I left for a trip to Norway with Mom and Felicia. I was happy to have the opportunity to introduce Felicia to my larger family. We stayed with relatives and then an uncle offered to lend us his car and allowed us to stay at his summer house by the sea. With appreciation we gladly accepted. It gave us a chance to explore that part of the Norwegian countryside more freely than I had ever done so before. 

One cousin invited us for a ride on his yacht. It was lovely to leisurely travel along the coast taking in the shoreline and oceanic nature atmosphere. I had a chance to commandeer the ship for a bit awakening some faint ancestral memories of my Viking roots. 

As this was a trip with Mom, there was an emphasis on meeting with family. One day after a large gathering of relatives involving refreshments, chatting, and plum picking on family property, I noticed Felicia was sour. It bothered me because this trip was important to me and a very rare opportunity. It seemed she was a bit jealous of my large friendly family. Her small family had left Ukraine for the USA when she was entering her teens partly because life was not so good there. Unlike Mom and I, she did not have a welcoming land and large friendly family to return to visit somewhere. Her mood improved once we were alone again, but I could not help but feel that her inability to relate to me in the arena of family could be a potential issue for a long-term relationship.

At my uncle’s summer house, we enjoyed several home-prepped meals, coffee time and sat by the window staring at the ocean waves as they incessantly made their way towards the shore. It was quite ideal. I had with me the rough drafts of the written material I wanted to include inside the booklet of my new album Awakenings. Felicia was good at English and agreed to help me edit my writings. Spending those hours developing my creative works by the Norwegian shore with the girl I was in love with were precious and fleeting indeed.

We ventured to Oslo where we visited Vigeland Park and spent the night at the home of my cousin and her husband. The next day we left for Copenhagen, Denmark. We stayed at a hostel and then in the flat of a young bachelor who opened his home to us via the Couch Surfing website. It was kind of funny going to sleep in the same room as this unknown young man as we opened our hearts to each other before dozing off. We visited the colorful and amusing Tivoli Gardens and otherwise explored the city a bit on rented bicycles.

Upon return to Brooklyn, it was time to get ready to go back to school as a student, which I had not been in the role of for five years. I dove into the course requirements headfirst which involved many hours of in-classroom observation, in addition to reading and writing papers. By the end of September, I had observed various music classrooms and teachers for many hours in five different schools, and some multiple times. My main mode of transportation between various locations in Brooklyn was my trusted Diamond Back Outlook bicycle, which I had been riding since 1993. It was not uncommon for me to be running a little late and zooming to my appointments on my bike between traffic already carrying a mild headache and an overfilled bladder.

On September 26^th, John McCain and Barack Obama engaged in their first US presidential debate. Within a week Joe Biden and Sarah Palin held their first vice presidential debate. The next day President Bush signed the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act to address the country’s financial troubles. I did not feel any notable extra strain economically besides the feeling that I wanted to be able to continue paying my bills and maintaining a stream of income. So, in addition to work at BMH and teaching private students, I registered myself as a substitute teacher and would take jobs semi-regularly being sure not to burn myself out with all the various things I was doing.

Early in the term, I learned about a Brooklyn College Study Abroad Program to India. It was specifically for film students, but I was truly interested in joining and felt it was worth try. Hey, I’m a composer. Wouldn’t film people wouldn’t want a composer on hand? I applied and wrote a piece explaining my desire to attend and was accepted. There had long been a deep calling in my soul to visit India in this lifetime. And this was my chance.

Although I was no longer actively focusing on myself as a musical creator, I had a chance to enjoy performing two of my instrumental jazz compositions at a Brooklyn College film studio being captured with quality audio and video by student-friend Paul W, who had invited me to do so as one of his film school projects[11]. Fellow music teacher Neil Walker[12] quite capably joined me as my duet partner. I was happy to post these as some of the first videos on my new YouTube channel, a cool new place I had discovered where one could conveniently share all of one’s videos. I soon had some other new videos to upload there from a solo acoustic performance[13] I did in mid-October at Rockaway Artist Alliance just over the Marine Parkway Bridge in Breezy Point.

Around Halloween I dressed up for a day of teaching at BMH. I was Legolas from The Lord of the Rings. One of my talented and bright young students Marco Varisco[14] came to his piano lesson dressed up as John Lennon and we took a cool photo. That weekend there was a big Halloween party at Mom’s house with a large group of friends assembled and most sporting a thoughtful costume.

On November 4^th, Barack Obama was elected to the office of president of the USA. For those of us desiring social change this seemed to be a victory as he was the first person of African American descent to be elected. On the surface at least it felt as if the balance of power and resources was to be more evenly distributed.

Throughout the fall I continued my coursework by observing music classrooms branching into even more schools. I interviewed three teachers about their positions and experience, learning more deeply about what life as a NYCDOE music teacher might be like. The teachers I interviewed all seemed to love their jobs which was a good sign, although I couldn’t quite picture myself enjoying similar situations to them. I also kept studying about Music in Special Education writing papers with each chapter we read and ultimately culminating in an Applied Skills Project by semester’s end. 

There was the annual John Lennon-themed party at a fancy Manhattan studio that Bob Henson invited me to perform at. I did a few John Lennon songs both solo and with Bob’s group. Naturally, I appreciated that the semester was wrapping up as Felicia and I joined Mom for baking Christmas cookies on Friday December 19^th. There was a little tension in the air in the face of my upcoming trip to India. Neither of them was thrilled with my going especially in light of the Mumbai terrorist attacks a few weeks prior[15]. 

By year’s end Felicia and I had attended five weddings together. Doing so, I naturally imagined my own future wedding. I did not want to notice it, yet I could not quite picture Felicia as my future bride. I did not sense that she fully embraced my friends and family. Sometimes I sensed her jealousy or annoyance with them rather than an openhearted spirit of acceptance. Being seven years older, I had more time and life experiences to help me establish self-confidence in who I was. I also had faith, though obscure, in a higher power. Felicia had less experience with such self-confidence-building situations. And she was a bit of a skeptic by nature.

A few days before New Year’s Felicia and I went to New Jersey to join some of her friends at a ski village for some relaxing time together in a beautiful space with wine and lovely food. I left there early so I could get myself together for the upcoming trip to India which would begin on January 1^st. We had a pretty low key New Year’s Eve at Mom’s. The next morning, I would be on my way to JFK, for a three-week study abroad adventure in India. I could hardly get to sleep.